Pink Gamer

Ok so seriously, Cooking Mama is one of the greatest ideas to hit the Nintendo DS. So when I saw that Cooking Mama would be created for the Wii I was all ZOMG YESPLZNAO. So then I had to wait until I actually had a Wii, and hurrah for my boyfriend’s mama getting him one last x-mas-time, or a Hannukah-time gift as it would be for us. So we slammed that game up to the top of the Gamefly queue and it arrived faithfully in the next few days.
I was so excited. Cooking Mama: World Kitchen! OH. DEAR. GOD. This game is friggin impossible. If you shake the wiimote too fast, you drop your utensil, too slow and you’re doomed to the timer, and where is your happy medium? Somewhere between too fast and non-existent. When you select cook with Mama, if you screw the pooch you get a chance to save yourself using Mama’s leet haxorz. But good luck on that, you have to do some insane wagging of the remote that almost never works and she just shrugs her shoulders when she screws you over. Not to mention that when she tried to prevent you from putting the wrong spice into the mixing bowl, it looks like she’s molesting you from behind, especially with the way your character’s face looks while it’s happening. Holy cow, Mama.
Despite being f-ing impossible, I did manage to score a 100 on ONE recipe. Something easy most likely, I honestly don’t remember my success through the pain and torture of trying to do simple tasks through shaking and pounding a poor, defenseless piece of plastic.
This is easily one of the most frustrating games on the planet. I don’t know if it’s just because the wiimote that I like to play with (it’s sleek and black and sexy!) has been known to give a bit of trouble, but I presume that even if I were to switch to the boring wiimote my chances of success MIGHT increase by maybe .01. Their complete desire to make the game as Engrish as possible does, however, bump up their rating on the melikey-scale.
But alas, this is not the ONLY mind-numbingly tedious games I’ve gotten my hands on lately. Anyone out there ever play Super Monkey Ball: Banana Blitz?
Don’t.
Or maybe do, just so you can know the pain.
My mother bought it because she thought it used the wii balance board. It does not, sadly, because then I might not have been tempted to take it from home. We recently had a little get-together at our apartment and we all sat down and tried to play through the ridiculous game. You die every three seconds. It’s insane. If you’re the fat monkey, you can’t get up hills ever and you end up going too fast and rolling off. If you’re the small monkey you end up going too fast from the get-go and then you fly three hundred feet into the air and plummet to your doom. If your any monkey at all you bounce around in anxiety of falling just before you reach the goal and then the game mechanics say screw you and you die anyway. Then you reach the boss fight and it takes you about three deaths to even figure out what to do, and then when you finally do, you get overexcited and screw the whole thing. And then if you’re like me, you desperately want your monkey to go left so you start moving your arm to the left until you’re falling off your chair, bed, whatever you’re sitting on, only to realize that a simple twist of the wrist would have done the trick and now you look like an idiot with your butt half off your seat, poking your nearby friend in the eye socket with a wii mote.
I hate this game. It’s not even cooking mama cute. It’s just obscenely hard and the monkey’s look dumb.
HATE YOU SUPER MONKEY BALL!